Cease Fixing, Begin Listening: The Artwork of Holding House for Your Accomplice

You’re sitting throughout out of your companion, watching their face tighten as they discuss a traumatic day at work. You hate seeing them like this. So, you leap in:

“Why don’t you just talk to your boss about it?”
“You should try waking up earlier — maybe that would help.”
“Have you tried meditation or cold plunges?”

You’re considerably stunned once they reply with frustration. Perhaps they even snap again with, “I don’t need you to fix it!” And now you are feeling defensive.

So, what’s occurring right here? And why does this dynamic really feel so acquainted?

The Urge to Repair: The place It Comes From

You’re doubtless coming from a spot of care, wanting to assist ease their stress or ache. Perhaps you’re a pure problem-solver and leaping in with options seems like an act of affection. You need to assist. You hate seeing your companion in misery.

Typically, we study this technique lengthy earlier than maturity. Our dad and mom might have responded to our feelings equally.

“Why are you sad? You don’t have a reason to be sad.”

“Here try this, that will make you feel better.”

Even essentially the most well-meaning dad and mom have a tendency to leap into problem-solving mode with their youngsters. It’s tough to look at somebody you like battle; the intuition is to ease their discomfort. However in doing so, we unintentionally ship the message that sure feelings are undesirable — one thing to repair or keep away from.

Disappointment turns into one thing to distract from, anger one thing to suppress, and embarrassment one thing to flee.

It’s essential to listen to your companion earlier than leaping in with options.

When somebody shares their struggles, they’re not all the time in search of recommendation. They might be in search of connection. To really feel heard, seen, and never alone.

After we rush to repair the “problem”, we unintentionally ship the message:

Your emotions are an issue to be solved.
You’re not able to dealing with this by yourself.
I’m uncomfortable along with your feelings, so I must make them go away.

Why Fixing Backfires

When your companion is struggling, they doubtless already know what they “should” do. Telling them what to do typically feels dismissive, even when that’s not your intention.

It invalidates their feelings. As an alternative of feeling heard, they really feel like their feelings are being minimized.
It places you in a “superior” place. Giving recommendation can really feel patronizing, even in the event you imply properly.
It shifts the main focus away from emotional connection. As an alternative of making area for emotions, it rushes towards an answer.

So, what they want? Somebody to take a seat with them in it.

What It Means to “Hold Space”

Holding area is about being along with your companion of their feelings with out attempting to vary or management them. It’s about making them really feel seen, heard, and understood.

After we merely hear, mirror, and acknowledge our companion’s ache or battle, it helps them really feel extra grounded. Kids develop self-regulation when their dad and mom validate their feelings, assist them title their emotions, and present them that their ache is seen, accepted, and held with love.

Right here’s what that appears like:

1.Hear with out formulating a response.

Don’t take into consideration what you’re going to say subsequent. Simply take up what they’re saying.

1.Validate their feelings.

“That sounds really overwhelming.”
“I can see why that would be frustrating.”
“That makes total sense.”

1.Ask what they want.

“Do you want advice, or do you just need to vent?”
“How can I best support you right now?”

1.Get comfy with silence.

Generally, essentially the most highly effective factor you are able to do is sit with them of their discomfort. No phrases wanted.

1.Resist the urge to “fix.”

In the event that they ask for assist, nice. If not, allow them to have their course of.

Shifting Your Mindset: From Drawback-Solver to Accomplice

As an alternative of seeing your companion’s struggles as issues to unravel, attempt viewing them as alternatives for deeper connection. Whenever you cease fixing and begin listening, you create an area the place they really feel really protected — the place they don’t should defend their feelings or show their struggles are actual.

And curiously, when individuals really feel totally heard, they typically discover their very own options. They don’t want fixing. They simply want you.

Attempt This As we speak

Subsequent time your companion is venting, resist the urge to leap in with an answer. As an alternative, attempt saying:

“I hear you. That sounds really tough.”

Then cease. Pause. Maintain area.

See what occurs…

—

This put up was beforehand revealed on medium.com.

***

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—–

Picture credit score: Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

The put up Cease Fixing, Begin Listening: The Artwork of Holding House for Your Accomplice appeared first on The Good Males Venture.

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