Dissecting the “No, Men & Women Can’t Be Just Friends” Fable

Women and men may be buddies. We simply must worth friendship as a lot as we do relationships. ~ Angela M Moore 316

…

In early January, somebody responded to one in all my relationship articles with “I heard somewhere that men and women can’t be friends.”

It obtained me occupied with this notion some people in society maintain about how heterosexual individuals of the alternative intercourse can by no means actually be buddies — at the very least not within the platonic sense of the phrase.

Then, I remembered one thing a former (male) room-mate of mine mentioned to me. The then 50-something 12 months outdated man — who grew up in Bosnia, arriving within the U.S. at age 34 — was satisfied of the aforementioned mindset. In accordance with him, “Men will always want more from the relationship.”

I disagreed with him then and I’m nonetheless at odds with this mind-set.

So, right here I’m nonetheless asking myself if this can be a sure kind of male phenomenon. Do some ladies additionally purchase into this concept? And in that case, is it altering?

Earlier than evaluating web analysis, fellow Medium member views and my lived experiences, right here’s what one other individual (male) chimed in with within the remarks on my article —

Women and men may be buddies however at all times, at all times, one or the opposite desires it to be greater than buddies and tries to maintain that feeling beneath management in order to not scare off the opposite. And by no means get to see them once more. Unrequited love is in every single place.

So these so known as friendships don’t work within the true sense of friendship; belief and honesty and open and frank communication. It’s pretend friendship and no person wants that.

The final sentence of his first paragraph resonated with me as a result of — like so many others — I too have recognized nonreciprocal romantic emotions. I too hoped to show a friendship into a special type of love-ship.

It didn’t occur.

Although the rationale I walked away from the friendship was not as a result of Maurice solely needed a platonic relationship, the ache remained in my coronary heart for a few 12 months. (Notice: I knew I may now not keep buddies with him when he (a) voted for Trump and (b) confessed that he refused up to now Black and Brown ladies as a result of we’re in his phrases “too aggressive, too opinionated and too domineering.”)

…

Performing some analysis for this story, I got here throughout the weblog, Greatest Associates For By no means. Sure, that’s what it’s known as — gave me a smile! This web site introduced me to an attention-grabbing article, A Love Story Versus A Story of Love: Reverse Gender Friendships. Half One.

In it the put up, the blogger shares one in all her closest good friend’s musings on the seemingly controversial topic. Although, earlier than attending to this half, she share a couple of notes of background about her good friend —

My good friend is extremely impartial and doesn’t want any man to do something for her. She is completely able to mowing her personal lawns, altering her personal tyres, and financing her personal life. (And he or she completely rocks the lovable attire whereas she does them!) Nonetheless, she was nonetheless fast to notice it’s helpful to have male buddies to name on for his or her skills at erecting cabinets, constructing cat enclosures and patching up the partitions. And when the person in query is a good friend as distinct from a boyfriend, the one worth to be paid is at most a thanks and at worst a money change.

The above opens up one other dialog with regards to dependency, conventional gender roles and societal expectations positioned on us. These additionally facto into the “just friends” topic; nonetheless, I needed to focus extra on the dynamics of platonic relationships with the alternative gender.

Then she obtained to the half I used to be ready for — the why.

As somebody who has typically (up to now) had extra male buddies than feminine ones, my checklist is completely different than hers. In my expertise, it was extra about character and the oldsters that vibed with me. For some purpose — whether or not in writing circles, or the poetry scene or the tango dance group, or language tutoring or at work — those that I felt linked to have been typically males.

And this, in a platonic manner.

For transparency, I disagree with a number of of the factors the blogger’s good friend makes. Everybody is aware of males are simply as able to spreading gossip, being lower than attentive listeners and having their very own drama!

…

Taking a look at one other aspect of the dialog, I discovered this The Good Males Challenge article, Why Males Want Girls Associates. In his brief recap on the subject, Scott Gerson shares ideas on the “constant scrutiny” of others — whether or not they be “romantic partners, family members or even acquaintances taking it upon themselves to dissect the nature” of his friendships with ladies.

He writes —

All of them need to know — is it actually platonic, or is there one thing extra happening?

The notion that folks of various genders can not probably be buddies is rooted in society’s expectation of males to sleep with anybody they will and girls to fall hopelessly in love at any given time. Along with devaluing significant friendships, these expectations serve to take company away from each women and men.

They solid us as romantic time bombs, reasonably than individuals who merely care about one another and luxuriate in spending time collectively.

The actual fact is he’s principally proper. We’re a society crammed with doubt surrounding the alternative gender relationship state of affairs.

Gerson affords priceless insights when he shares “nearly everything I know [that is true] about women I learned from friends who are women. Without these close friendships, I would be quite ignorant, not to mention emotionally illiterate.”

Individually, I’ll finish with this — it’s time to finish the “it’s impossible to be just friends” fantasy. It’s time to put to relaxation these stereotypes and the main focus much less on romance so we will nurture a more healthy, extra respectful world.

…

Jajom for studying.

About me —

A Nuyorican polyglot, spoken phrase artist, and social justice journalist who identifies along with her richly vibrant Indigenous and African ancestries. Touring to 35 international locations has helped form the guerrera you will have simply learn — writing and residing boldly, unapologetically is the one manner I do know to exist.

P.S. my most popular state of being is barefoot

#colonizersgottago

…

Acknowledging the Arawak, the First Peoples of Borikén, on whose unceded lands my work is created. Honoring my wondrous Indigenous Taíno, Iñeri, and African roots.

—

This put up was beforehand revealed on medium.com.

***

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Picture credit score: No Revisions on Unsplash

The put up Dissecting the “No, Men & Women Can’t Be Just Friends” Fable appeared first on The Good Males Challenge.

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