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Transcript supplied by YouTube. Barely edited with AI.
It’s no one’s duty however mine to make me completely happy. But, I spent 54 years of my life working as if it was my job to make sure everyone was in temper and no one was upset with me. You don’t must dwell like that.
Announcement
What’s up, guys? Completely happy 2025! I’m excited to spend this 12 months with you. We’re simply getting began, and I’ve a tremendous podcast for you right this moment with an enormous visitor that I do know you’ll be enthusiastic about.
Earlier than we get into it, I’ve an enormous announcement. I’m thrilled to announce the Matthew Hussey Weekend Retreat, happening for the very first time on October 18th and nineteenth, 2025 in Miami, Florida. That is going to be a brand-new immersive teaching occasion that distills probably the most impactful teachings of my famend six-day retreat, which I’ve been working for over 15 years. I’m distilling the very best components of that occasion right into a two-day, action-packed weekend of breakthroughs.
I’m so excited that many extra individuals will have the ability to attend as a result of it’s solely two days, making it simpler logistically. Plus, the value can be extra inexpensive. In case you’ve at all times wished to expertise the transformative energy of the retreat however by no means had the possibility, that is your alternative. Go to MHretreat.com for an unique early hen low cost.
In case you’ve been desirous to do one thing like this with me for a very long time, I’m excited to lastly provide this weekend. It’s a landmark second for me and my group. So test it out at MHretreat.com.
Now, on to right this moment’s visitor! We’ve none aside from Mel Robbins on the podcast. She’s a New York Occasions bestselling creator and one of the crucial revered specialists on this planet on motivation, confidence, and mindset. Thousands and thousands have watched her movies. She is the host of the Mel Robbins Podcast, the primary academic podcast on this planet. At present, we discuss her brand-new guide, *The Let Them Concept*.
This guide will invite you to consider how a lot power and time you might need been losing making an attempt to regulate the incorrect issues—at work, in relationships, and whereas pursuing your targets—and the way this habits prevents you from reaching the happiness you deserve. So, I current to you, Mel Robbins.
Introducing Mel Robbins
Mel Robbins, it’s so thrilling to have you ever right here!
Thanks for inviting me to be right here with you!
Thanks for inviting me into your own home—Hussey Home!
I acquired to say, “Hussey House” appears like one thing unlawful!
That’s why I prefer it. I like that it makes individuals barely uncomfortable.
Sure, nicely, that’s good! Individuals typically get slightly… they assume they could be saying it incorrect once they say “hussey.” They’re like, “Is it Hussey?” I’m like, “No, no, it’s Hussey!”
That’s superior!
You might have written a extremely great new guide. I need to begin by simply saying that it’s known as *Let Them*. For anybody on the market who desires to know, I learn this guide and also you really have a present for taking an concept that resonates, whether or not it’s the five-second rule or the theme of “Let Them.” You are taking an thought and actually run with it. I feel a part of your reward is realizing that one thing has potential AND feeling that means.
This guide has legs! Each chapter felt distinctive; it didn’t really feel like a repetition of the thought. It felt like we had been making use of this idea superbly to numerous essential facets of our lives.
Let’s body up what you imply by “Let Them.” I’ve so many instructions I need to go along with you.
The Let Them Concept
The “Let Them” concept is in the end only a mindset instrument that teaches you—straight away—what’s in your management and what’s not. Any psychologist will inform you, Matthew, and you realize this: the second you spend any time or power worrying about or making an attempt to handle one thing you’ll be able to’t management, it solely creates stress for you.
The “Let Them” concept could be very easy. In case you’re ever in a state of affairs the place another person is upsetting you or breaking your coronary heart, simply say, “Allow them to.” Once you do that, you’ll discover that you just instantly really feel a way of peace and energy. By saying “Let Them,” you might be deploying ideas from stoicism, detachment concept, and radical acceptance to let go of one thing you’ll be able to’t management.
The primary factor we are able to’t management in life is what one other particular person thinks, says, or does. Once you say “Let Them,” you might be recognizing that it’s not in your management, and also you’re deciding to not permit it to emphasize you out or waste your time and power.
The second half is “Let Me.” “Let Me” is a strong reminder that, it doesn’t matter what’s taking place round you or how somebody treats you, you continue to have energy as a result of you’ll be able to select find out how to reply. Once you say “Let Me,” you’re reminding your self which you could select what you assume, say, or do in response to a different particular person or state of affairs.
Finally, the “Let Them” concept is about management. A serious breakthrough for me was realizing how a lot time and power I used to be losing in my life. I didn’t understand how typically I used to be letting different individuals’s drama stress me out.
This will shock you: I imply, we all know one another nicely and have been mates for a lot of years. I didn’t understand how a lot I used to be nonetheless navigating my decision-making primarily based on different individuals’s moods and expectations.
The message I need to convey right this moment is easy: In case you’re annoyed, not as completely happy as you’d like, or not feeling revered or cherished in your life, the issue isn’t you. The difficulty is the facility you’re giving to different individuals’s opinions and expectations, and also you don’t must dwell like that.
The “Let Them” concept taught me that specializing in what’s in your management—which is the way you reply—modifications your complete life.
Many individuals instinctively say, “Okay, I’m going to take cost of a state of affairs” or withdraw from one thing they dedicated to, however as soon as we take motion or pull again our power from a state of affairs, we’ve their state of affairs and our personal feelings to cope with.
For many people, we get a nervous system response to saying “yes” all our lives after we didn’t need to, and now we worry the repercussions of claiming “no.” Even when somebody doesn’t fuss, we’d go away feeling responsible.
Let’s say somebody complains, “My parents always expect me to spend the holidays with them.”
Let Them Be Disillusioned
Terrific instance! As a result of we are able to all relate to it. First, it’s implausible that your dad and mom need to be with you. It’s really factor they really feel disillusioned for those who’re not coming dwelling for the vacations. Think about the choice: you say you’re not coming, they usually’re like, “Thank God! We can’t stand that person anyway.”
So, the truth that somebody is disillusioned about you not going someplace is an effective factor, however we’ve made it a foul factor. This leads me to my second level: It’s not your job to handle one other grownup’s feelings.
The “Let Them” concept taught me one thing that remodeled my relationships with my dad and mom, my youngsters, and my husband. Two issues could be true on the similar time: Your dad and mom could be deeply disillusioned that you just’re not coming dwelling for the vacations, and you’ll nonetheless make the very best resolution for your self.
Two issues could be true: your dad and mom could be deeply disillusioned that you just’re not coming, they usually can nonetheless love you and perceive.
Allow them to be disillusioned. They’re grown-ups, and it’s not your duty to verify they’re completely happy. Your job is to be sure you’re completely happy.
Once I say “Let them be disappointed,” I’m honoring my dad and mom’ expertise. I’m creating house for them to really feel regular, applicable, constructive feelings about me not going dwelling. Then I am going to the second half: “Let me.”
“Let me decide what decisions I’m going to make based on my values and priorities.”
Now, right here’s the place this will get fascinating. Once you talked about guilt earlier, many people function out of guilt. After we really feel responsible, we are saying “yes.”
After we really feel responsible, we go dwelling. After we really feel responsible, we are saying “yes” for the third or fourth time, even when we’re not . Once you do issues out of guilt, you’re turning the opposite particular person into the villain and giving them energy over you.
Don’t dwell your life like that.
As an alternative, say, “Let them be disappointed. Let them try to guilt-trip me, but let me operate based on my values.”
Right here’s the factor: there’s an enormous distinction between selecting to go dwelling for the vacations since you really feel responsible and desirous to be considered as daughter versus going dwelling as a result of it makes you are feeling like daughter.
Once you act out of guilt, you give another person’s feelings energy over you. Once you act from a spot of realizing your values, you reside your life in a means that makes you proud.
So I feel, “What makes me feel like a good daughter?” As a result of household is a deep worth of mine, and my dad and mom wish to see me greater than they do.
I’ve to allow them to be disillusioned. Then I remind myself, “I am a good daughter. Disappointment is also part of loving someone.” You could be unhappy to not see them, and it’s okay for others to be upset. They’ll nonetheless love and assist you even when they don’t perceive.
Give your self the identical grace you give to others. It creates house the place, while you let another person be, you really honor and love them in a means you in all probability by no means have.
I feel that’s stunning. It took me a very long time to study that it’s okay for individuals to be disillusioned. I don’t must handle that, and I don’t must take duty for it.
Additionally, these emotions do move. It isn’t the beginning of a endless spiral into unhealthy relationship territory. Typically, on the opposite facet of that feeling is one other nice second collectively.
Let Them Be
The massive factor I’ve seen since utilizing the “Let Them” concept in my life is that I spent loads of time feeling disillusioned as a result of I continually navigated choices primarily based on making an attempt to make different individuals completely happy or meet their expectations.
I didn’t need to cope with somebody’s emotional outburst, so I simply went together with it—after which I used to be left feeling disillusioned as a result of I wasn’t performing in alignment with my values.
We’re programmed to place different individuals first, and everybody does this. I used to be speaking with my husband, Chris. He leads males’s retreats, and it shocked me to listen to that males really feel like they must put everyone else first.
We’ve all fallen into the behavior of contemplating another person’s opinion or judgment earlier than we take into consideration what works for us.
I need to contact on one thing you point out within the guide: the thought of individuals being primarily grown-up youngsters—eight-year-olds who haven’t realized to handle their feelings.
This breeds compassion for these individuals. However what do you do when the particular person you’re coping with doesn’t appear to suit that description? You might have a sister, a mom, or a good friend who appears at all times to place themselves first.
Duty
You’re not a precedence from their viewpoint. Whether or not it’s the intense finish of a persona dysfunction or simply somebody who seems self-centered, how do you cope with somebody who places themselves first when you instinctively attempt to put others first?
Allow them to be who they’re. One of many greatest rules on this guide is that it’s not possible to alter one other particular person. Folks solely change once they need to.
The reality is which you could’t management how they really feel or act. You’ll be able to’t waste your time making an attempt to alter another person. Let individuals reveal who they’re.
If somebody’s treating you in a means that reveals you’re not a precedence, allow them to deal with you that means. Let me clarify what this doesn’t imply.
This doesn’t imply you’re a doormat for individuals to stroll over. This implies you’re waking up and recognizing who they’re. Possibly their habits is because of points at work or stress of their private life, or perhaps they’ve a narcissistic persona they usually’re by no means going to alter.
Allow them to be. Why spend any of your time or power making an attempt to alter one thing you’ll be able to’t? Folks’s habits reveals you whether or not or not you’re a precedence, after which it comes again to you.
That is the place you’re taking duty in your life. The phrase “responsibility” means “the ability to respond.” Even while you’re coping with somebody who has narcissistic traits, each skilled agrees that hoping they may change is the kiss of demise.
It retains you trapped in a dynamic. The second you say, “This is who this person is, and I’m going to let them be,” you stroll in realizing you gained’t make excuses for his or her habits.
You’re not wishing it had been completely different; you’re saying, “Let them.” Then you definitely go to the second half, which is extra essential: “Let me.”
“Let me choose how I respond to this. Let me choose how much time I give this person. Let me choose to stop explaining away the gaslighting. Let me choose to not show up at their event to protect my energy.”
That is on the coronary heart of the “Let Them” concept. There may be a lot inside your management, and what you’ll be able to’t management is making an attempt to alter another person’s habits.
Analysis reveals that while you try to alter another person, it creates extra resistance. You’ll be able to affect somebody by your habits, for positive, however the core fact—the revolutionary half—is recognizing which you could allow them to be who they’re.
I do know individuals in my life who exhibit narcissistic traits. I’ve spent a long time wishing they might change and anticipating their habits earlier than household gatherings.
Now I simply allow them to be. I refuse to present my energy to one thing I can’t management.
The Spiderweb
There’s one thing stunning about seeing somebody for who they’re and really accepting them, then selecting the sort of relationship you need with them. Right here’s the wonder: you create house for one thing completely different to occur.
I’ve a greater relationship with narcissistic individuals in my life as a result of I’ve created house for them to be who they’re.
Take into consideration relationships as a spiderweb. In household or romantic conditions, we’re all interconnected. Sure individuals could be triggering and annoying, which is usually why households exist to show us find out how to love with out dropping it.
In case you visualize each relationship as an interlocking internet and also you’re out strolling within the morning, you see dew on the internet. This highlights your connection, and you’ve got the flexibility to faucet on that internet.
Once you accomplish that, the dew shakes off. The ability dynamic is flipped fully.
At the moment, we regularly give an excessive amount of energy to people who find themselves immature, poisonous, or controlling. They’re shaking the net and impacting all of us.
What if the other is true? What you probably have a lot energy that, as a substitute of getting sucked right into a dynamic, you let individuals be who they’re? You settle for them and select how a lot time and power you spend on them.
What if this constructive method faucets into one thing fully completely different? I’ve discovered that I developed higher relationships with individuals who was once narcissistic as a result of I created that house for them.
There’s a man I actually like at my espresso store. At some point, I noticed I knew somebody who might assist him, so I linked them.
Letting Folks Be Who They Are
I texted him for his contact info, and he despatched me an electronic mail. It turned out we’d been calling him by the incorrect identify for a 12 months!
We had been adamant that Mike was his identify, but it surely was really Landon. We laughed about it; it turned a comic story.
It reminded us that there’s one thing liberating about not taking ourselves too significantly.
Chances are you’ll be holding your self again since you’re apprehensive about what another person thinks or how they may decide you.
For example, I can get anxious about what I submit. Typically it’s about privateness, whereas different occasions, I could be overly perfectionistic. Once I overthink these items, I find yourself not posting in any respect.
I’d solely submit half as typically as I’d if I weren’t overthinking it.
Once you do this, you hand over your energy to what you assume individuals will assume as a substitute of expressing your self.
It’s essential to present others an opportunity to have a damaging opinion whereas letting your self function in a means that makes you proud. Let me categorical myself and take small dangers.
Each time I maintain again, I give energy to another person’s opinion. This represses me.
In case you’re dropping your capacity to create the life you need, it’s since you assume individuals have management. That’s why you wrestle with impostor syndrome and self-doubt; you’re solely specializing in managing others’ opinions about you.
Cease doing that! Dwell your life in a means that means that you can be your self, and also you’ll discover the best individuals exhibiting up. You’ll really feel happy with who you might be and expertise much less stress and insecurity.
Comparability
I cherished the second in your guide the place you talked about comparability. You mentioned one thing I hadn’t heard earlier than: when another person achieves one thing you need, flip that comparability to really feel impressed as a substitute of damaging.
Whether or not it’s seeing mates get married or purchase a home, feeling envious doesn’t imply you’ll be able to’t obtain these issues your self. Different individuals’s success can lead you in the direction of your targets.
No one can block you from reaching what you need—you’re the solely particular person doing that. Different individuals’s successes reveal potentialities.
Their achievements can lead you to find the components to attain what you need as a result of success has a components. By seeing individuals as your potential allies, not your competitors, you alter your mindset fully.
It Needed to Be Them
Allow them to paved the way!
The inside designer out of your guide instance who was aggravated by a neighbor doing what she wished—she couldn’t excuse away her personal excuses anymore.
You mentioned it needed to be them! Their success revealed her personal insecurities and made her understand she was the one holding herself again.
The identical goes in your good friend who posted about their accomplishments on-line. They spark one thing inside you, waking up your potential and pleasure.
Jealousy is solely an emotional response pushed by want and frustration. That’s a catalyst!
If another person’s achievement bothers you, they’re mainly your biggest motivator!
Conclusion
You’re not enjoying in opposition to them; you’re enjoying with them. The error comes after we neglect this. You’re not in opposition to them, however somewhat studying from them.
Once you permit them to disclose who they’re, you deal with the playing cards you maintain. You management your ideas, your phrases, and your actions. You win by managing the issues you’ll be able to management, somewhat than making an attempt to regulate others.
This dialog goes to assist so many individuals. I learn your guide from cowl to cowl.
That’s an enormous praise!
There are 73 errors in it!
Allow them to!
That’s essential as a result of we regularly cease ourselves from placing ourselves on the market, fearing judgment. The truth that there are little errors on this guide is gorgeous.
Thanks for studying it; I actually recognize your reflection and praise. It’s the single factor I’m most happy with.
There’s a depth that’s unusual on this guide, and your life expertise shines by. I adore it!
Ultimate Ideas
Thanks for taking the time to put in writing this. I can’t wait to share this with my family members. The place can individuals discover the guide?
Wherever! Simply Google “Let Them Theory,” and also you’ll discover it—significantly.
That is an important reward to present somebody. Your sister doesn’t want one other sweater; she wants instruments to enhance her life.
What the “Let Them” concept taught me was that for too lengthy, I had been controlling the incorrect issues and creating stress in my life and relationships.
When you study to let individuals be who they’re and cease making an attempt to regulate the uncontrollable, you’ll be able to work with human nature. Your life will get a lot simpler.
I really feel like a special particular person as a result of I’m in command of my time and power. The world is ready for you, and I can’t wait so that you can expertise this.
Thanks, and thanks all for watching! Seize a duplicate of *Let Them*. I’m so excited so that you can learn it!
Thanks for being right here.
Thanks! I really like you!
I really like you too!
Thanks for watching, everyone! I hope you loved the episode. Depart me a remark and let me know what you thought. Please just like the video, subscribe to the channel, and hit the notification bell so that you get notified the following time I launch an episode!
Don’t neglect to take a look at MHretreat.com to get your unique early hen tickets to the weekend Matthew Hussey Retreat on October 18th and nineteenth, 2025, in Miami, Florida! I can’t wait to see you all there.
Over the course of the 12 months, as you watch these movies, I can’t wait so that you can get to see me dwell in October. I’ll see you within the subsequent video! Thanks a lot for watching.
—
This submit was beforehand revealed on YouTube.
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