Our want for love lies on the coronary heart of our want for standing.
~ Alain de Botton, “Status Anxiety”
On a latest date, I used to be listening to an clever, profitable girl blathering about her intercourse life and I used to be each saddened and struck by a realization: her try to attach was dwarfed by her deepest unconscious want to be the only factor that she might by no means be: cool. Within the recesses of her extremely educated thoughts, she will need to have believed, “Cool kids talk about sex, I want to be cool, so I should talk about sex.” I discovered her want to be cool tantamount to me believing that I might solely be completely satisfied if I had been 7’ tall.
Attempting to be cool betrays one’s uncoolness.
Within the age of social media, the pursuit of being cool has develop into a defining obsession. It’s the unconscious drive shaping how we costume, the place we stay, how we journey, and even how we current ourselves in conversations and on-line profiles. Beneath the burnished veneer, nevertheless, this pursuit is a deeply misguided endeavor — one which foments narcissism, alienation, and a profound lack of ability to attach authentically with others.
Markers of determined makes an attempt to be cool embody…
Conspicuously carrying brand-name clothes and accessories.
Asserting buying, actual property, and bitcoin victories.
Driving luxurious vehicles or residing in trendy neighborhoods.
Frequenting stylish eating places or collaborating in unique hobbies like snowboarding or horseback using.
Flaunting elite journey experiences equivalent to staying at vacation spot accommodations and flying first-class or non-public.
Pursuing supposed bodily perfection via extreme train or beauty surgical procedure.
Curating an enviable social media presence with a gazillion followers.
Namedropping — having wealthy, well-known, wildly profitable or cool associates.
At first look, these behaviors might sound innocuous however when they’re made primarily to challenge coolness, they develop into much less about pleasure and extra about sustaining a aggressive edge in what Man Debord calls “The Society of the Spectacle,” the place life itself is all about our efficiency for others.
Christopher Lasch argues in “The Culture of Narcissism” that fashionable society encourages us to view relationships as phases for efficiency reasonably than alternatives for real connection. This narcissistic method prioritizes admiration over genuine connection, leaving people perpetually dissatisfied as they rely on exterior validation for self-worth.
This dynamic echoes what Herbert Marcuse wrote about in “One-Dimensional Man.” Marcuse means that superior capitalist societies cut back people to passive customers whose identities are formed by exterior forces reasonably than inner values. The pursuit of coolness exemplifies this: as an alternative of being susceptible and securely attaching to others, we desire to be revered as cool. In doing so, we develop into alienated and trapped in a cycle of ephemeral superficial “Likes,” each on-line and IRL.
Alienation arises as a result of coolness promotes competitors reasonably than connection. When everyone seems to be striving to outdo one another — whether or not by proudly owning the newest gadget or posting essentially the most enviable trip pictures — it makes relationships transactional. We measure our price in opposition to others and search validation via comparability. This results in emotions of inadequacy and insecurity as we inevitably fall in need of the ever-shifting elusive goalposts.
Even those that flagrantly reject mainstream markers of coolness usually fall into an identical entice. Conspicuous rejection — like when individuals haughtily proclaim “I don’t own a television” or “I’m not on social media” — is one other type of standing or advantage signaling, a efficiency of other coolness.
The aggressive facet of coolness additional undermines its promise of belonging. As Todd McGowan explains in “Capitalism and Desire,” capitalism thrives on unfulfilled longing. It encourages us to want what others have whereas making certain that satisfaction stays perpetually out of attain. Coolness operates as such a commodity: it’s at all times evolving, at all times elusive. To remain cool requires fixed reinvention — a brand new wardrobe, a brand new vacation spot — new standing symbols to maintain up with and greatest the Joneses.
This perpetual pursuit creates hierarchies that exclude reasonably than embody. As an alternative of engendering group, it divides individuals into winners and losers within the race for social validation. The consequence shouldn’t be attachment however alienation — a way that we’re competing in opposition to everybody else reasonably than discovering widespread floor.
True connection requires authenticity, vulnerability, compassion and empathy — qualities which can be antithetical to narcissism. To construct significant relationships, we should shift our focus from being cool to real reference to others, which in includes the artwork of attuning to others: listening deeply to others’ wants, values, and experiences reasonably than approaching each dialog as a contest or place to attain factors.
The primacy positioned on attempting to be cool is unhappy and determined. Whereas it guarantees admiration, it delivers largely alienation — leaving us disconnected from ourselves and others. As Lasch and Marcuse remind us, true success can’t be discovered via exterior validation.
Would you reasonably be admired or liked?
We should embrace vulnerability over efficiency, empathy over competitors, and authenticity over artifice. By studying to actually attune to others and discover widespread floor, we will get the love that our hearts actually crave reasonably than the admiration that our egos need.
Beforehand Printed on Medium
iStock picture
The submit On Being ‘Cool’ appeared first on The Good Males Mission.
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