It will be simpler to be a supportive buddy if everybody felt comfy opening up and asking for assist once they have been having a tough time. Nonetheless, some individuals might choose to maintain to themselves or act like the whole lot is okay, even when they’re in a disaster.
It may be tough to face by and watch somebody you care about wrestle, but it surely’s usually tough to help somebody who isn’t asking for assist. We requested some prime therapists for his or her recommendation on the best way to method somebody you care about when they’re having a tough time, even when they don’t wish to speak about what’s occurring.
How are you going to inform if somebody wants assist?
Generally, it could be apparent that somebody wants assist. Nonetheless, not everybody will break down crying or ask for help. As a result of it may be onerous to identify the indicators that somebody is struggling, it helps to know what to search for.
In keeping with Pamela Orren, Ph.D., a scientific psychologist at Kaiser Permanente, there are six frequent warning indicators that somebody wants assist:
They could lose curiosity in actions they usually get pleasure from or cease spending time with buddies.
The individual might “become more irritable or emotional.”
They could expertise “changes in sleeping or appetite” by sleeping or consuming too little or an excessive amount of.
Somebody struggling may additionally “show a decline in personal care” and “no longer care about how they look.”
The person might have a “negative or hopeless outlook.”
They could begin to abuse alcohol or medication.
Nonetheless, indicators that somebody is struggling could also be extra delicate, says Attiya Awadallah, a licensed and board-certified inventive arts therapist at Lenora Artwork Remedy and Counseling who makes a speciality of treating melancholy, nervousness and complicated trauma. For instance, Awadallah as soon as suspected that her buddy was having a tough time when the buddy’s responses to her texts grew to become uncharacteristically “brief and infrequent.” Since her buddy was normally “very engaged,” Awadallah sensed that one thing was fallacious. After a little bit prodding, Awadallah’s buddy “admitted that she was feeling stressed but didn’t want to bother anyone with it,” she says.
Different delicate indicators might embody a drop in productiveness or sudden temper modifications.
Why don’t some individuals ask for assist once they want it?
In an ideal world, everybody would really feel comfy asking for assist once they want it. Nonetheless, individuals in want might not attain out for a number of causes.
Some might not wish to disclose private details about themselves or a member of the family, even to shut buddies, Orren says. “They may feel too proud or embarrassed, or [they may] be afraid of looking weak and incompetent,” she explains. “[Or] if they’re used to being an independent person, they don’t want to look vulnerable.”
Others might really feel they’re a burden in the event that they ask for or settle for assist, she provides. “Understanding these reasons can help you approach the situation with more tact.”
What are you able to do if somebody wants help however isn’t asking for assist?
Anybody can have a foul day, however when you suppose somebody is struggling and will need assistance, it’s completely OK to ask them what’s occurring.
“Let them know that you’ve been noticing changes in their behavior and that you’re concerned and there to listen,” Orren recommends. “Just listening with an open mind without judgment can help someone feel understood and supported. [Taking] the time to truly listen and not offer solutions may be the best way to support an individual who does not ask for help.”
Though merely listening might not really feel like sufficient, “we don’t need to take action” to assist somebody really feel higher, Orren stresses. “They may just need someone who will listen.”
Awadallah provides that specializing in “giving them a safe space to express their feelings rather than trying to fix the problem immediately” could also be extra useful than the rest.
In the event you sense that somebody wants extra assist, Orren suggests asking, “‘What can I do to support you?’” Awadallah additionally recommends making an attempt to get the individual to deal with the right here and now as an alternative of fixing a bigger downside. For instance, asking, “What would be most helpful for you right now?” might help the individual deal with small steps or how they will really feel higher within the quick time period. This may be useful even when they nonetheless must cope with the underlying downside.
If the individual desires extra help however can’t inform you what could be useful, “do not ask open-ended questions,” Orren says. “This can often feel overwhelming.” As an alternative, she recommends offering concrete solutions. For instance, asking, “Can I set up a meal train for you or watch your kids for a few hours to give you a break?” takes the stress off them and will spark some concepts.
When Awadallah’s buddy lastly opened up and confided that she was struggling, Awadallah advised that they sit collectively nearly whereas her buddy labored by means of her to-do listing. “It wasn’t something [she] would have asked for, but it ended up being exactly what [she] needed to feel supported without feeling like she had to tackle everything alone,” Awadallah says.
What in the event that they nonetheless don’t wish to discuss?
Not everybody will really feel like speaking. If that’s the case, merely saying, “‘I’m here for you. Whenever you want to talk, I’ll listen. I’m just a call or a text away,’” reveals them that you just care, Orren explains. Then, “verify in on them often. Present them with a textual content, card or be aware simply reminding them that you’re there and keen and capable of assist. Allow them to know that you’re desirous about them.
“Small tokens of appreciation for the person may help” as properly, she provides. “Bring them a cup of coffee or tea or something to brighten up their day like a plant or flowers.” Orren additionally recommends encouraging them to interact in self-care, equivalent to going for a stroll.
It can be useful to let your buddy know that “talking about problems is not easy,” that “they’re not alone” and “that asking for help is actually a sign of strength,” she recommends.
Orren additionally emphasizes that even when somebody doesn’t really feel comfy speaking to you, they might divulge heart’s contents to another person. You’ll be able to recommend that they attain out to somebody they belief, equivalent to a member of the family or one other buddy, or ask them if “they’ve talked with their doctor about how they’re feeling.” If they’re open to it, you may sit with them to point out your help whereas they make a name to a member of the family or physician’s workplace. Giving them the quantity for psychological well being hotlines such because the 988 Lifeline and the 741741 Disaster Textual content Line “are great options,” Orren provides.
What shouldn’t you say to somebody who’s struggling?
As well-meaning as you could be, some phrases usually are not useful and will make the scenario worse. Whereas it’s inconceivable to make an exhaustive listing of what to not say, there are some frequent phrases you need to keep away from.
Saying, “I know exactly how you feel,” might ring hole as a result of “no one knows exactly how anyone else feels,” Orren says. She additionally provides that it sounds dismissive to say one thing alongside the strains of “everyone gets depressed.” It’s additionally “not helpful [and] may not be true [to say that] ‘this will pass,’” particularly if the individual has been struggling for some time, she explains. Equally, telling somebody, “‘You have no reason to feel depressed,’” could make somebody “feel guilty or ashamed or as though their feelings don’t count.”
Orren stresses that everybody ought to be cautious earlier than taking motion with out somebody’s consent. Even probably the most well-meaning buddy shouldn’t attain out to an grownup’s relations with out their permission. Some individuals might have “complicated family dynamics” and will not wish to share that they’re fighting their household. Orren additionally cautions towards establishing a GoFundMe web page with out somebody’s permission. They could not really feel comfy accepting monetary donations or might not need their story shared extensively.
As well as, Awadallah cautions towards “offering unsolicited advice without being asked.” She recollects a time that she overheard a co-worker providing a colleague unsolicited monetary recommendation. “Although well-intentioned, it came across as intrusive because it wasn’t what she needed at that moment,” she says. “Instead of feeling supported, [the co-worker] felt judged and overwhelmed.” She provides that “even with the best intentions, it’s crucial to wait until someone asks for advice or help before stepping in with suggestions or actions.”
What in the event that they nonetheless refuse to just accept assist?
Though it may be onerous to see a buddy struggling, it’s essential to know when to step again. There’ll come a degree the place “it will not help to continue to push them” to ask for assist, Orren says. If this occurs, “it can be very beneficial to let them know that you have tried to get them help and that you hear that they are not quite ready to get the help at this time,” she provides. “Let them know that you understand and will be there and will be ready to help should they change their mind in the future.”
This text initially appeared within the January 2025 difficulty of SUCCESS+ digital journal.
Picture by Prostock-studio/shutterstock.com
Success Tales
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