The Lie That Taints Perfectionism

By Liz Mineo, Harvard Gazette

Perfectionism has a darkish aspect, says Ellen Hendriksen, a medical psychologist and school member at Boston College, in her new e-book “How to Be Enough: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists.” On this edited dialog with the Gazette, Hendriksen, whose résumé features a fellowship at Harvard Medical College, shares her insights on the best way to roll again tendencies that may result in painful patterns of self-criticism and isolation.

When is perfectionism a wholesome character trait?

Perfectionism has a wholesome coronary heart as a result of its core is conscientiousness, which is the tendency to be accountable and diligent, to do issues effectively and totally, to care deeply. Analysis has proven that conscientiousness is the No. 1 trait for each goal and subjective success in life. These of us with perfectionist traits are sometimes extremely completed. It would manifest as glorious teachers, job efficiency, sports activities, music, or issues that we don’t often consider as efficiency, like wholesome consuming, protecting our house organized, or at all times trying put collectively.

How can perfectionism turn out to be unhealthy?

Unhealthy perfectionism encompasses over-evaluation, which is the conflation of value and efficiency, and harsh self-criticism. It’s also unhealthy once we try to be good to attempt to earn belonging and acceptance. Perfectionism tells us a lie: that we are able to join, belong, and be accepted by being good at issues by efficiency. Nevertheless it backfires as a result of once we carry out fantastically, we’d earn admiration, however that’s totally different than acceptance. Once we’re admired, we’re placed on a pedestal, however meaning we’re alone.

In accordance with the work of Roz Shafran, Zafra Cooper, and Christopher Fairburn, medical perfectionism is when our self-worth depends on striving to fulfill personally demanding requirements, and we consider whether or not or not we’ve reached these requirements in an all-or-nothing method. And if we outline failure as not assembly requirements, ours or these of others, what is going to typically occur is that we both get overwhelmed or intimidated, and we then keep away from our process. Or we’ll attempt, however we’ll fail, not as a result of we had been incapable however as a result of our requirements had been unrealistic. Both method, self-criticism is available in and leaves us feeling insufficient or not ok. On the off likelihood that we pull out all of the stops and attain our requirements, we’ll resolve that our requirements weren’t demanding sufficient within the first place, and the cycle begins once more.

What different manifestations of perfectionism will be problematic?

It can also manifest as a give attention to guidelines, or as a preoccupation with errors — both attempting to keep away from future errors or criticizing ourselves for previous errors. It might probably additionally manifest as procrastination as a result of the prospect of assembly our unrealistic requirements will be paralyzing. It manifests as social comparability; we’re attempting to reply the query, “Am I good enough?” Lastly, it manifests as feeling distant or remoted in relationships as a result of we have interaction in what’s referred to as perfectionistic self-presentation, the place we discuss what’s going effectively and conceal what’s going poorly, which makes us come off not solely as performative but in addition unrelatable.

“When we perform superbly, we might earn admiration, but that’s different than acceptance. When we’re admired, we’re put on a pedestal, but that means we’re alone.”

Are there hyperlinks between perfectionism and melancholy and anxiousness?

If we outline failure as not assembly our requirements, and these are inflexible and unrealistic, we’re going to rack up lots of failures. Then, repeated over days, years, and probably a long time, we might begin to really feel like failures. Over time, the 2 pillars of melancholy, that are hopelessness (i.e., “This will never get better”) and helplessness (i.e., “Nothing I try works”) settle in.

Concerning anxiousness, as we’re scuffling with over-evaluation — conflating our efficiency and our value — our value isn’t a settled query. Each occasion turns into a referendum on our character: It could possibly be each assembly at work the place we anticipate ourselves to make erudite feedback, or exams the place we anticipate ourselves to get an A-plus, or a social occasion the place we anticipate ourselves to be witty and articulate, or a minimum of not awkward and peculiar. So, it is smart that we anticipate each potential efficiency with trepidation, anxiousness, and fear. Forgive my grammar, however it’s when “Did I do good?” means “Am I good? and “I did bad” means “I am bad.”

In your e-book, you provide particular steps to take care of perfectionism. Are you able to develop on that recommendation?

I take the subtitle of the e-book, “Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists,” fairly actually. By self-acceptance, I imply that we don’t have to alter our self-criticism in any respect. As an alternative, we are able to change our relationship to self-criticism. What I counsel is that we are able to deal with our self-critical ideas like we deal with the music at a espresso store. It’s nonetheless there, however we don’t need to sing alongside. In perfectionism, the guts of which is conscientiousness, we take issues severely, together with our personal ideas and emotions. What I counsel is that we are able to take our self-critical ideas rather less severely. We’ll nonetheless have them, however we don’t need to deal with them as if they’re true and literal. We will simply allow them to float by or cross by our thoughts with out getting yanked round.

One other strategy to overcome perfectionist tendencies is to give attention to values somewhat than guidelines. These of us with perfectionist traits wish to comply with guidelines, and if there are not any guidelines, we make up personally demanding guidelines. Values are by no means coercive, so that you freely select to comply with them, and also you’re doubtless keen to tolerate some discomfort to take action. For example, the worth of giving again would possibly imply that you just’re keen to surrender your Saturday morning to volunteer to choose up trash on the seashore somewhat than spending that morning stress-free on the seashore. If we begin specializing in values somewhat than guidelines, we are able to select what’s significant and essential to us somewhat than following unrealistic guidelines.

I need to emphasize that changing into much less perfectionistic isn’t as laborious as it could seem. These of us with some perfectionism often default to intestine renovations and whole overhauls, however we don’t need to work that onerous. Small tweaks are sufficient. We will goal for being 5 p.c extra understanding of ourselves, permitting 1 p.c errors, being 2 p.c kinder to ourselves, and that’s typically sufficient.

—

This story is reprinted with permission from The Harvard Gazette.

***

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