I hate silence.
I’ve at all times believed silence is likely one of the most painful issues you are able to do to somebody who doesn’t deserve it. The burden of an unanswered message, the finality of an unreturned name, the gradual and merciless realization that somebody has chosen to erase you or even when they didn’t erase you to make you’re feeling like they’ve, to make you’re feeling like nothing… it lingers far longer than any phrase ever may.
Perhaps that’s why I’ve at all times been somebody who (over) explains. Somebody who tries. Somebody who offers the advantage of the doubt, even when doubt has lengthy changed into certainty…
However what occurs when phrases cease that means something?
When… you’ve stated I can’t do that anymore extra instances than you possibly can depend.
When… you’ve tried to finish it with phrases, solely to be pulled again in.
When… you’ve poured out your coronary heart, solely on your ache to be met with indifference, excuses, or empty guarantees.
When… you may have been accessible, current, and affected person… however if you wanted the identical in return, there was nothing.
At what level do you cease making an attempt?
And should you do… should you select that one factor you worry… should you select silence as an alternative… does that make you merciless?
Or does it imply you’ve lastly discovered?
It doesn’t sit proper with me. It by no means will.
I felt the bitter ache of silence method too many instances.
I do know what it feels wish to be met with silence. Once I desperately wanted solutions… once I longed for closure… once I wasn’t able to let go.
That silence nonetheless hurts, even now.
So, how do I justify selecting it myself? A thought I can’t shake off.
Perhaps as a result of this isn’t the identical. Perhaps… as a result of typically silence isn’t an act of punishment (like I used to be left to really feel up to now) however, on this case, an act of self-preservation…
I do know what’s going to occur if I reply that decision and say “hi.”
How rapidly that “hi” will unravel into the identical cycle I’ve tried to interrupt a dozen instances earlier than.
I do know as a result of I’ve lived it too many instances.
I’ve answered these calls the place I let my guard down, selected to be there yet another time, and let my empathy get the perfect of me. In some situations, I used to be even met with criticism, scolding, and even the telephone hanging up on my face as a result of I didn’t use the suitable tone or react the way in which they needed me to.
However I’m human, too. I’ve a coronary heart that works additional time, should you ask me.
And as a human, I’m allowed to really feel! To have a tone typically. To react…rightfully or not… with out always worrying about angering somebody who ought to be exhibiting me the identical consideration. And with out feeling like I’ve to stroll on eggshells… as I’ve too many instances earlier than.
This time… moderately than making myself small once more, holding my emotions in, and making an attempt so laborious to assuage somebody, to be what they want…
I select silence.
To not damage anybody, however to cease hurting myself.
And simply perhaps, that’s motive sufficient.
As a result of in the long run, that’s the excellence:
I’m not just like the individuals who have damage me. I rethink my actions and selections over 100 instances and take into consideration the opposite particular person much more.
Silence isn’t at all times a weapon. Typically, it’s simply what’s left if you select your self.
—
This put up was beforehand printed on Coronary heart Affairs.
***
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